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‘Pretax profits are up by 81% to all time record’

Review of the year

The results speak for themselves. The pre-tax profit figure is £11,161,000 [£32.3m in today’s money allowing for inflation – Ed], the highest in the year history of the company, and shows an increase of 81% over 1976.

The improvement in the Group Profit may be attributed in the main to two causes: first, to the resurgence in television advertising revenue and secondly, to the very substantial contribution made this year by the Corporation’s film division.

I can also confirm that all the main divisions within the Group are currently thriving and look well set for the future.

Directors

ATV Corporation

Mr. Jack Gill, C.B.E., already my Deputy Chairman, has, in addition, been appointed Deputy Chief Executive of the Corporation. Mr. Gill’s new designation thus gives public recognition to the part which he has played in building up ATV’s prosperity.

Mr. Norman Collins, who has held the position of Deputy Chairman from the inception of the Company, now gives up that post, but I am most happy to say he has agreed to remain a member of the Board.

I have been most happy, also, to appoint Mr. Louis Benjamin my other Deputy Chairman.

ATV Network

It is a condition of the franchise granted by the Independent Broadcasting Authority that 70 should be the maximum age for Directors of the licensed Companies.

Accordingly, while remaining Chairman and Chief Executive of Associated Television Corporation – the Group which embraces all the subsidiary activities – I shall be relinquishing my Chairmanship of the ATV Network Division of the Group on 1st October, 1977. I am delighted to say, however, that the Board of ATV Network has, with the full approval of the Authority, unanimously elected me to the post of President, and I am also fortunate in having Mr. Jack Gill, already my Deputy Chairman at ATV Network, ready to succeed me as Network Chairman.

Under the same age-rule of the Independent Broadcasting Authority, Mr. Norman Collins, a founder-member of the Company, will be retiring from the Network Board.

Television

As a result of improved transmitter coverage, ATV Network now serves an area extending from Stoke on Trent in the north to Oxford in the south, and from Hereford in the west to Peterborough in the east.

Due to the upturn in television advertising revenue, the profit of ATV Network, before tax, was £4,281,000 [£23.9m] against £1,945,000 [£10.9m] for 1976.

The financial revival of ATV Network should be seen against the background of the results for the year 1974/75 when the profit before tax had dropped to £1,677,000 [£9.4m].

The urgent and necessary economies which were introduced were not, however, at any time allowed to impinge on direct expenditure upon programmes.

In the result, the high standards of the service were fully maintained, and the year saw the presentation of such notable programmes as the six-part “Moses The Lawgiver”, and the irresistible, 24-episode series “The Muppet Show” – 1977 winner of the Golden Rose of Montreux Award.

The Annan Report

The long-awaited Annan Report on the future of broadcasting has now been published and I must thank Lord Annan for his welcome acceptance of the basic principles of Independent Television.

I must, nevertheless, admit to being disappointed that the Committee did not see fit to recommend that the available – and at the moment, entirely unutilised – fourth Channel should be allocated to the IBA.

Film Production

In my last two annual statements, I have been careful to draw attention to the magnitude of borrowings necessary to finance large scale film production and the inevitable time-lag between outlay and reward.

That reward, in very considerable measure, is now beginning to accrue with a contribution of £2,908,000 [£16.2m] this year.

Zeffirelli’s majestic production of “Jesus of Nazareth” was first shown in this country on Palm Sunday, 3 April 1977. It achieved immediate success both at home and abroad. In Britain, the audiences amounted to 21 million viewers; in the USA to over 91 million and in Italy 84% of the viewing public saw the film.

I have no hesitation in saying that this film, representing ATV’s largest single film-production investment, will prove an asset of inestimable worth to the company and provide a valuable annuity over the years to come.

Among the Film Division’s other successful releases, “The Return of the Pink Panther” has proved particularly outstanding. Further investment in film production is currently being undertaken in the light of up-to-date practical experience of the international market.

The overseas interests of ATV have during the past decade been steadily expanding. In consequence, the Group is now a large-scale earner of foreign currency.

Theatres

The Stoll-Moss Theatre Group enjoyed a most satisfactory year. Included amongst its outstanding achievements are the record-breaking “A Chorus Line” at the Theatre Royal, Drury Lane, and the musical hit, “Ipi Tombi”, at Her Majesty’s Theatre.

Moreover, the Group’s Shaftesbury Avenue theatres – Queens, Globe, Lyric and Apollo – all showed to best advantage, with long-running performances by such of our leading actors as Sir Alec Guinness and Sir John Mills, and with the work of many award-winning dramatists.

The twelve months at the London Palladium proved equally stimulating and successful. The new international star policy launched with Frank Sinatra in 1975, brought before the public such artists as Sammy Davis Jnr., Julie Andrews, Bing Crosby and Shirley Maclaine on her triumphant return visit; and the box office demand became overwhelming.

Music Publishing, Records and Tapes

Music publishing produced record profits with an increase of 21% against the previous year and there is every indication that the current year should again make a major contribution to the Group’s finances.

The decision has been taken to start new companies in the major territories outside USA and Switzerland, where we already have our own music publishing subsidiaries. We have therefore acquired a controlling interest in Allo Music in France and investigations are proceeding with the object of establishing companies in Germany and Italy.

The results of the Pye Records Group show improvement over the previous year despite a non-recurrent setback in the company’s trading in the United States.

Among the Pye artists who won international acclaim were the Brotherhood of Man with their 1976 Eurovision Song Contest winner “Save Your Kisses For Me”, and Max Bygraves and Lena Martell both earned top places in the overseas Charts.

Other Activities

It is a remarkable achievement that Bentray Investments should have increased its profits by nearly 20% in a year which was a notably difficult one for property companies.

A complete re-organisation has been undertaken at Ansafone and the new range of equipment being offered shows every sign of being able to meet the steadily growing demand.

Bermans & Nathans, our theatrical costumiers, are now trading profitably.

The Marbarch Insurance group is steadily expanding its business overseas and the whole outlook is most promising.

ATV Licensing has most enterprisingly expanded its activities. In addition to the wide range of “Space 1999”, a forthcoming range based on “The Muppet Show” and our own long established “Rupert Bear” should ensure another good year.

Tribute to Staff

Thanks are due to all directors and staff of the Group’s companies at home and abroad for their staunch support throughout the year. The growth of ATV is something of which we can all feel justly proud.

Group results at a glance

Year to 27 March 1977

Turnover rose from £69.2 million [£386m] to £89.3 million [£498.7m] an increase of 29%. After paying an increased television levy of £6.03 million [£33.7m] against £2.73 million [£15.3m] in 1976, the profit before taxation was £11,161,000 [£62.3m] (1976 – £6,151,000 [£34.4m]). Taxation accounted £4.75 million [£26.5m] (£3.17 million [£17.7m]), leaving a profit after tax of £6.41 million [£35.8m] (1976 – £2.98 million [£16.6m]). Earnings per ‘A’ stock unit were 15.32p [85.49p], an increase of 118.5% over for last year.

An interim dividend of 2.275p [12.69p] per ‘A’ stock unit, together with a final dividend of 3.099p [17.29p] to be paid on 3 October, makes a total of 5.374p [29.99p] per ‘A’ stock unit – the maximum permitted.

After paying these dividends, the profit retained in the business amounted to £3.82 million [£21.3m].

The post ATV financial results: 1977 appeared first on THIS IS ATV NETWORK from Transdiffusion.

One of the most outstanding recent successes in television programme-making is ATV’s The Muppet Show which delighted viewers for the first time in the autumn of 1976. Kermit and company took over the television screens at about 5p.m. on Sunday afternoon and the team of puppet characters succeeded in waking up dad from his afternoon nap and keeping mum from making the tea in order to join the children for 30 minutes of the zaniest, wittiest, most endearing comedy show in years.

Within two-and-a-half months the time slot which had been attracting six million viewers had an audience of over twelve million. Now into its second series The Muppet Show has become a cult and looks like remaining an integral part of our viewing habits for some time to come.

But how did it all begin? The Muppets – their name derived from the combination of marionette and puppet – were created by Jim Henson, who featured Kermit and some other Muppet characters in the children’s educational programme Sesame Street. Lord Grade of ATV, who showed a great interest in the series, invited some of the Muppets to appear in two or three major television specials being made at ATV’s Borehamwood studios. These programmes, which included Julie on Sesame Street (Julie Andrews), Herb Alpert and the T J B and Julie – My Favourite Things, were so effective that Lord Grade invited Jim Henson to make a series of shows designed for family viewing.

Jim Henson was delighted; for several years he had been trying to get the American television networks to back him for a similar idea but nobody in the USA was willing to make the show. Lord Grade then did the inevitable. He sold the show back to America where it has become as big a hit as in Britain.

But without the creative genius of Jim Henson and his team nothing would have been possible. Jim Henson, aged 41, was born in Mississippi and made his first Muppet (Kermit) 22 years ago. Needless to say there have been several Kermits rebuilt since, plus over 300 other characters created over the years. Jim has an extremely talented team around him which consists of puppet builders and designers, writers, and of course the puppeteers. Where Jim goes, they go! Therefore the entire unit moved to Britain and set up its work shop off the main studio at ATV’s Borehamwood studios, and that became ‘home’.

The production team is, of course, British, headed by two directors – Peter Harris, who did the entire first series, and Philip Casson who is an additional director for this second series. Jack Parnell and his Band provides the marvellous Muppet music, and David Chandler, Paul Dean and Bryan Holgate are the designers.

The British crew and Jim Henson’s team in no time developed a very warm working relationship and admiration for each other and rarely has there been such a compatible or happier unit on any production.

The technique of making the show and operating the puppets has created as much interest for viewers and the industry as the show itself. Every set is built at least four feet above floor level and the cameras work at an average height of seven feet. The sets are built to a two-thirds scale suitable to accommodate the human guests as well as the puppet characters which vary in size from eighteen inches [45cm] to two feet [61cm] (giant Muppets can tower fourteen feet [4.25m]).

The puppeteers are all at least six feet tall [1.8m] and very slim. They wear head bands with microphones attached and have a small monitor TV set in front of them. This enables them to synchronise the dialogue with the mouth, eyes and arms, and gauge the puppets’ expressions and movements. The puppeteers operate the puppets by hand, above their heads – an extremely strenuous and shoulder-aching pastime!

The puppeteers are performers. They have to be actors, comedians, singers, voice impersonators and even have a good sense of rhythm or know a little about music. For instance the ‘At the Dance’ sequence and the synchronisation of Animal on the drums and Rowlf at the piano must be perfectly timed. No wonder Jim Henson looks on auditions for new puppeteers as a formidable task. Fortunately, however, his current team of performers: Frank Oz (Fozzie Bear, Miss Piggy, Animal), Jerry Nelson (Floyd, Crazy Harry, Uncle Deadly, Robin), Richard Hunt (Scooter, Mr Statler, Sweetums, Thog), and Dave Goelz (The Great Gonzo, Zoot and various guest characters) have been with him for a few years. Incidentally, Jim’s own main characters are Kermit, Mr Waldorf, Rowlf, Dr Teeth and Mahnamahna.

Part of the attraction of the Muppets is that they all have very individual characters and often display recognisable human frailties and emotions. It is quite common in rehearsal or during a break between camera ‘takes’ for the Muppets to talk and joke with each other, and if the floor manager gives a direction to a puppeteer he is not surprised when it is the Muppet on the end of the puppeteer’s arm that comes back with the response.

The strength of The Muppet Show’s success can be further assessed by awards the show has received during 1977. In January the American Guild of Variety Artistes presented the special Georgie award for the ‘Best Special Attraction – 1976′. In March the British Academy of Film and Television Arts cited the show ‘Best Light Entertainment Programme – 1976’. In April The Broadcasting Press Guild voted the show ‘Best Comedy or Light Entertainment Programme’ for 1976 and in May the show won the most prestigious of all international awards for Light Entertainment, the Golden Rose of Montreux in Switzerland. Also in May, the Pye Colour Television Awards voted Kermit the Frog ‘Most Promising Male Newcomer’.

The series has now been sold to over 100 markets throughout the world and has an audience of hundreds of millions. It is dubbed into five languages: French, German, Spanish, Italian and Portuguese.

This is the story behind The Muppet Show to date, but doubtless more awards, more record successes (the first Muppet LP reached No. 1) will be forthcoming to reflect the quality and popularity of this truly original show.

The post The making of the Muppets appeared first on THIS IS ATV NETWORK from Transdiffusion.

For the amorous Muppet Miss Piggy, with whom Elton was to perform a duet, it was back not to the dressing room but the store cupboard.

For Elton, who takes his chairmanship of Watford Football Club seriously, it was an opportunity to race off to see his team in action. He hired a helicopter for £200, then had to prevail on the police to escort him from Birmingham Airport to West Bromwich Albion football ground. He arrived minutes before the 7.30p.m. kick-off only to see Watford lose 3-2 — the first time he’d seen his team defeated.

The following day Elton was prickly, but politely so. During a brief break in recording, his newly-transplanted pate was bent over a pile of autograph books. Later, once the show was in the can and the studio empty of fans, he was all smiles.

After a phenomenal six years with earnings estimated at £7 million a year — roughly half that figure from royalties alone — he came off the road at the end of 1976. He still insists it’s for good — an insistence reinforced by the announcement that his charity appearance at Wembley last November was his last live show, marking his retirement from the stage altogether.

“It was just a matter of finding the right time,” he said, looking down at what were for him conservatively styled boots. “I don’t regret those years but now I’m rid of them I’m relieved to be starting my life all over. I don’t think anything I’ve written so far is really of much consequence. And I know I can write something of great consequence.”

Until he decided to take a breather he’d enjoyed playing big stadiums surrounded by a seemingly limidess sea of faces. “But quite suddenly I got fed up with seeing people’s faces squashed against fences. I thought, ‘Well, this might be great for me but is it so great for them?’ It wasn’t normal. I had to stop. Re-think.

“When I’ve been on tour I’ve always had bodyguards with me because there was always some crank who wanted to beat me up or shoot me. I went from plane to hotel. From hotel to plane. I tried keeping in touch with everything going on in the world but whatever I did I felt more and more remote.

“I lost my sense of values. I didn’t appreciate what people did for me, nor did I have any idea of how much pleasure just a small thought gives to people. I even resented people wanting my autograph because I’d forgotten what it was like to be on the other side of the fence. The more the wheel turned the more dangerous it felt. So to give up wasn’t a hard decision. It was a gut feeling and I’ve always relied on my instincts.”

His self-assessment docs him no favours. He is after all the man who in 1975 chartered a jet because he thought it would be a nice idea to fly all his office staff, their relatives and friends out to Los Angeles for a corporate jaunt. The gesture is typical of him. As was his refusal to sign up with Rocket, his own record company, until 1976 — four years after it was formed — when he felt it had proved itself.

Elton John hasn’t, and won’t join the ranks of tax exiles, although he is indebted to America for his overnight success story which began in 1970. He does, however, have a home in Beverley Hills.

In all he didn’t spend more than eight weeks in the States last year. There was a six-week holiday, his appearances in Madison Square Garden, another to launch his album The Greatest Hits Vol II and a book called It’s A Little Bit Funny — a photographic collection by David Nutter of Elton’s unguarded moments, with text written by lyricist Bernie Taupin. There were also four days spent recording in Seattle with pianist and ex-Stylistics producer Thom Bell. This session produced six “blatantly pop, blatantly black” tracks for his spring album and a single due for release this month which will be his first new one since Blue Moves on the Rocket label 14 months ago.

Once he was out of the goldfish bowl Elton’s great “down-to-earther” was Watford Football Club. “I was dealing on a normal basis with normal people again. There are still things that I miss, like going for walks or getting on buses. I’d get paranoid thinking everyone was looking and pointing at me. I love the smell of buses. Watford’s been my equivalent of getting on a bus — and sitting in the front seat.”

As a boy they’d been his local team. When he heard they were falling on hard times in 1974 he went along, thinking they’d be put off by his pink hair and eight-inch platform shoes, and offered to do a benefit concert for the club at their ground. About 26,000 people came and they raised £20,000. He became a director, never thinking he’d become chairman, and now football — or rather Watford — is his passion. “Either it’s that,” he laughed, “or it’s being able to tell all my friends that I’m chairman of a football club.”

Another of Elton’s preoccupations this year has been getting Goaldiggers, this country’s only football charity, off the ground. So far he, Jimmy Hill, Brian Moore, Brian Mears and Eric Morecambe under the patronage of the Duke of Edinburgh, have raised enough money to build 20 or so floodlit all-purpose-surface pitches for youngsters in under-privileged areas. The proceeds of his Wembley concert last November went to the Goaldiggers.

Underneath the glossy veneer of the superstar lifestyle and his personal joky image, Elton John has always seemed pretty ordinary, shy and surprisingly insecure. Somewhere there’s a component, a facility for success, everyone’s missed. When he came off the road the Elton ego and image collapsed temporarily. He lost interest in the way he looked, ate too much, drank too much. When he appointed Graham Taylor manager of Watford all that changed, he said, because he recognised something of his old self in Taylor’s dynamic determination, and he wanted to keep pace with him.

“There are two things I could have done,” he said. “I could either have shut myself away, become thoroughly miserable and ruined myself in the process but I realised how ridiculous it was to become a recluse.

“The only other thing I could do was to cope and come to terms with my success. After all I created it.”

The post Where were Elton and Miss Piggy when the lights went out? appeared first on THIS IS ATV NETWORK from Transdiffusion.

The Muppet Show — on screen this Sunday — is a today spectacular. A slick musical where cows, dogs, bears, hens and all kinds of likely and unlikely characters sing, dance, make music and tell jokes. And they allow a real live human being in the form of a big-name star to join their ranks each week. For Muppets are puppets, and without a shadow of doubt they’re the greatest, most animated, most believable puppets you’ve ever seen.

After many years of the educational programme Sesame Street, and after guesting on major TV spectaculars with stars like Julie Andrews, Tom Jones, Perry Como and Herb Alpert, the Muppets move into a family appeal slot of their own, described by their creator, Jim Henson, as a music-hall variety entertainment with on-stage and back-stage action. Kermit — his oldest and best-loved character — has the support of a whole Muppet orchestra, a Muppet chorus-line, and Muppet acts. There are Muppet scene-shifters, and even a Muppet wardrobe mistress, named Hilda.

If it’s corny comedy you’re after, listen to Fozzie Bear. His jokes are so bad they match his own description of them. ‘Unbearable’.

Singing? Listen to Miss Piggy – She’s so far out, she’s coming back!

You want a piano-playing dog? Rowlf’s the name.

Operating these puppets is an incredibly involved job. Some of them are worked by hand. Others by strings. Yet more by rods. And there are even times when life-size puppets get on stage, worked by animators dressed in black, against a black velvet backdrop, so’s you can’t see them. In fact, part of the fun for the viewer is to try and guess just how the many and varied visual tricks are worked.

When you join resident theatre-goers Waldorf and Statler, two very human Muppets who spend their time commenting on acts from their permanent box at the stage-side, you’ll see Guru, a mystical Indian. You’ll see the incredible Doctor Teeth, leader of a way-out band that includes Zoot, a remarkable sax-man, Floyd, a bass-player, and a wild-man drummer named Animal. And when you see the Snoths — cow-like females who sing — you’ll flip! Their appearance in the opening show in company with a zany beatnik Muppet has to be seen to be believed!

But here — why should you take our word for it? Tune in yourself and see why the Muppets are going to be the television talking point this autumn.

The post It’s the Muppet Show… appeared first on THIS IS ATV NETWORK from Transdiffusion.

When they built Hollywood, they built it for Miss Piggy. The star on her dressing room door is the biggest I’ve ever seen. And the tantrum coming from inside is certainly the loudest I’ve ever heard.

A familiar high-pitched voice is screaming: “This is my best angle, my best, my best!” There’s a hubbub of soothing voices and then: “I’m right, I’m right!”

Not the best time to interview the daunting doyenne of stage and TV screen about her Hollywood debut.

But, as I’ve already waited at the studio for two hours, I take a deep breath and knock.

Immediately the shouting stops. A harassed maid opens the door. Behind her, Miss Piggy is lying on a velvet chaise longue, her retinue of make-up girls, hairdressers, wardrobe ladies, chauffeur, secretary and valet around as her delicate little pink trotters are being manicured.

“Who the hell . . .?” she starts crossly, then her secretary whispers my name. “Oh, a cover article,” she simpers. Her eyelashes flutter. She waves limply towards me, but barely glances up. “Lesleee, dear, how lovely to see you. What a divine outfit. I’ll be with you in a teensey minute.

“I’ve been filming with dear Roberto Hope and the sweet man was so overcome he wouldn’t let me leave. My time is so short. It’s one of the penalties of being a superstar — I’m sure you’ll understand, dear.”

Two hours later I’m not so understanding. Miss Piggy is still in her gold-plated bathroom — the bath is shaped like an oyster, the shell opens up at the touch of a button — with her hairdressers and make-up girls.

Suddenly the door opens with a flourish and there she is, a picture of porcine beauty in a cloud of mauve sequins, feathers and tulle, jewelled turban and white fur stole. She looks every inch the star she says she is.

“Oh, Miss Piggy, how beautiful you look,” I gush.

“Yes, I know,” says Miss Piggy airily, tossing back her blonde curls. “I am the epitome of glamour and I always like to look my best. I am a star and I must live like a star. If only my fans around the world could see me in person… my inner beauty, my true self… ”

Then she tears herself away from her mirror and says to me, “O.K., cut the cackle. Waddyer want to know? You’ve got 20 minutes.” What I really want to know is about her rumoured face lift, about the “rest cure” that added inches to her voluptuous figure, the truth about her romance with Kermit the Frog, the rumours about her torrid relationship with The Incredible Hulk.

But she fixes me with those steely baby-blue eyes and instead I end up lamely asking: “Well, how are you enjoying your stay in Hollywood?”

Miss Piggy, wrapping her stole around her, sets the tone for the whole interview. “I think the question is, Lesleee, how is Hollywood enjoying moi? They’re so lucky I could fit them in my schedule.

“Of course, the film certainly hasn’t tested my true talents. It’s a cute, sweet little movie, but it’s not the Miss Piggy story that I’m certain everyone would like to see. That’s probably going to be my next movie.

“Oh, I’ve had tons of offers since I’ve been here, but I just haven’t had time to read those silly little scripts. I’m just a little woman… sometimes it’s all too much for me.”

She sighs and flutters her eyelashes. We’re interrupted by servants bringing in lunch. Miss Piggy lifts a dish and screams at the unit publicist.

“Regina! How many times do I have to tell you ham salad is definitely out, out, out!”

All sweetness and light again, she confides to me. “Lesleee, dear, Burt and Cary are desperate to co-star with me. But all I think about is my frog. He’s here with me in Hollywood. We go out jaunting quite a bit — parties, premieres, things like that. And quiet evenings alone when I dismiss the servants. You dig what I mean?” She laughs coarsely.

“Could I ask you a personal question?” I wonder.

“Lay it on me,” says Miss Piggy, elegantly crossing her legs.

“Are you going to marry Kermit?” I ask.

“Oh, Lesleee, Lesleee, yes, marriage is something I certainly want, but I have my wonderful career. Kermit is always begging me to marry him. This little green thing crawling towards me saying ‘Please marry me’! It’s a sad sight. I find there’s a larger world out there wanting my talents. So I think I’ll just string the frog along for a while.”

The photographer arrives to take pictures of the two of us. Miss Piggy decides she would photograph better from my seat, so we swap places. “Jack, I want to see every single negative,” she orders the photographer. “Remember, Jack, I have picture approval.”

“Miss Piggy, have you achieved your ambition now that you’re a world-famous star in Hollywood?” I ask her.

“No, dear. I always knew I would be both successful and beautiful. I must forge on. It’s a large responsibility to be the glamour image of the decade.”

What about the competition from all the other glamorous superstars in Hollywood?

“Dear Raquel, dear Farrah,” coos Miss Piggy. “Sweet little girls, but no competition. They’re always asking me what I do for beauty, what I eat, if I exercise.”

“Could I ask you that?”

“Of course you can.”

“What do you do?”

“Get chased around by a frog,” she said. “What else?”

I take a deep breath and plunge in with my next question. “Everyone in Hollywood has a little cosmetic help — eyes lifted here, chin there. I wonder if you, er…”

Miss Piggy stops me with an icy stare. “Do you think I have?” she demands.

“Well, I can’t see any sign,” I stammer, looking at her hairline.

“I very strongly suggest that you don’t,” she thunders. “Next question.”

“How do you keep your marvellous figure?” I ask timidly.

“Some pigs have it, some pigs don’t. I’ve got it, kid,” she says, smoothing her hips. “I need hardly work at all to keep beautiful and trim. Maybe four or five hours a day at most.”

What about jogging, I ask. “Why, Lesleee?” she demands coldly. “Why would little moi need to jog? Think carefully before you answer.” Simply for enjoyment, I stutter. “No, I don’t do that for enjoyment, I do other things,” Miss Piggy says, leering vampishly. “You know what I mean, kid.”

I decide to risk another question. “In these modem times, I wonder if you and Kermit are co-habiting?” I ask innocently.

Miss Piggy flutters her lashes. “Co-whatting?” she simpers. “I’m afraid I don’t understand. I’m just a little woman. All I know is that nothing is more important than love, and that means my frog. Men come running after me. Running. Look at me… irresistible. I’ve had to get four new telephone numbers since I’ve been in this town. Men keep calling, tanned good-looking beach boys, but I’m just too busy.”

We’ve all heard stories about the Hollywood casting couch, I venture. “Oh, I’ve heard stories,” Miss Piggy says contemptuously. “But I feel a woman in today’s society does not have to be involved in that sort of thing. I am a star-studded talent. No one would dare try that with me. I do it if I feel like it. No, that’s a joke. Don’t print that, I’ll sue.”

She preens the feather in her turban, looks at her watch and smiles sweetly. “Time’s up, sweetie. Close the door on your way out.”

There’s one last question, I add hastily. “Everyone wants to know your age, your secret of looking like a teenager at your time of life.”

Her eyes freeze. “Lesleee, dear, it’s not that I’m shy about telling my age, I just feel that when one is a superstar, age doesn’t enter into it. Age is but an infinitesimal part of one’s make-up. The irridescence of being what I am is all that’s really important.”

That’s a lovely reply, I tell her, gritting my teeth. “Yes, wasn’t it? Thank you, dear, goodbyeee.”

As I close the door I hear her shriek at her publicity man: “What sort of question was that? Why didn’t you tell her I never discuss my age? Never, never! Why didn’t you stop her asking about face-lifts? If that happens again, you’re fired!”

The mumbled, soothing, sounds start up again …

The post The men in my life and the life in my men – by Miss Piggy appeared first on THIS IS ATV NETWORK from Transdiffusion.